The Adolescent Period

We are continuing our journey through all the stages of a child's development. Today we will touch on a very important period — the age of 9-13, the so-called early adolescent period. We have already spoken about this stage and about the development of sexuality, which occurs precisely at this age. But there are several more aspects that we would like to discuss.

In the previous conversation we spoke about the beginning of sexual development and about the inner tension that builds up in children. Today I would like to continue the discussion about the changes in the child's emotional sphere during this period. At the age of 9-13 we observe in children a lack of balance, nervousness. Moreover, the children themselves blame others for it and do not look for the cause within themselves. A growing striving for independence begins to manifest clearly. The child, as it were, wavers between dependence and independence. When in past conversations we spoke about the age of two, we noted that the child tries for the first time to break free of the mother's arms. Roughly the same thing happens at 9-13 as well, only not on the physical level but in the emotional sphere. The child very much wants to be independent in settings outside the home, but within the family he becomes completely dependent again. And this creates many difficulties and much confusion for the parents. How should one relate to an adolescent during this period?

We must make every child into a psychologist for himself. He must understand himself and be aware of how other people see him. We must show him his own behavior recorded on video, and the behavior of different people, of different sexes and ages, in a variety of situations. All of this must then be discussed in a group of adolescents. He must feel that he is being taught about life and about the correct attitude toward it. The teaching must be completely open, with no forbidden topics, no things left unsaid, no concealments, which lead only to all sorts of deviations.

That is, he must study himself?

Of course. Integral upbringing reveals to a person his own self, his inner part. And the age of 6-9 is especially important not to miss. At this age the foundation of the entire person is laid, and whatever he draws in during these years is then what takes shape in him. Because next come the years of puberty, which no longer allow him to concentrate on anything other than matters of sex. But for now one can freely, without pressure, speak with the child about the inclinations and desires he is ashamed of, and it is precisely now that one can teach him a correct way of looking at himself as if from the side.

You are saying that we need to encourage and develop the child's ability to see himself from the side?

Yes. And then, simultaneously through two channels — through logic and through feelings — we begin to teach the inner clarification of what we call "sweet — bitter" and "truth — falsehood."

One relative to the other?

Yes. Clarifying this both with the help of logic and through feeling. This will help the child, if not to cope fully, then at least to understand what is happening to him. After all, he does not even have a thread he can grasp in order to climb out of the inner whirlpool he is in. He needs somehow to unwind this tangle. Here it is very important to become his partner. The educator must be simultaneously both an educator and a friend — that is, in some respect to be higher and more experienced, yet able to come down to the child's level.

Does this mean that the educator must be roughly the same age as the child?

No, but he must be able to come down to the child's level to such a degree that the child feels in him a friend, an equal. A great deal can be taught from watching video recordings of various situations and of children's behavior in them. We need to discuss with the children why we behave the way we do, and the starting point for such a discussion must be that we were created this way by Nature, like all its other parts. The ego is our nature. There is nothing in this that would need to be hidden. On the contrary, we must study ourselves and the Nature that has developed in this corner of the galaxy. If we teach them such an approach, then all the tensions will immediately begin to ease. The main thing is to resolve everything in the abstract, apart from the child, yet together with him.

Such an approach will also give the understanding that the whirlpool within me is happening to others as well.

Absolutely correct. And when people begin to speak about this in class, and moreover in the third person, and moreover through some film, then everything can be discussed completely freely, and one can shout, argue, and laugh. In such a discussion it does not even matter whether they arrive at some agreement. What matters is that they are learning to talk about it. And if today they are talking about what happened to someone else, in a film for example, then tomorrow it will happen to them themselves, and then they will remember everything they talked about in class.

Can such preparatory work be started at an earlier age too?

The problem, first of all, is that such psychology lessons require many teaching hours. But this is necessary in order to build the person. It is precisely such an approach that will then allow the child to build a correct attitude toward society, toward the state, toward the world, toward the choice of a profession, and so on. Such an analysis of life and of the person is the foundation of everything. Having learned to look at himself from the side, he will be able to analyze why he behaves one way or another, how his views and behavior change over time, how his actions are perceived by others. He will clearly understand how relative everything in the world is, how dependent he himself is on his nature, on the way he was originally created. Such a view removes, to a certain degree, the burden of excessive responsibility, but at the same time teaches a correct approach to any situation.

This also reduces the sense of guilt.

And the tension too. By the way, there is enormous benefit in teaching children acting, first and foremost the ability to step out of oneself into a role.

Is it worth talking about this in the family as well, for example every day before bed?

I do not think we can shift this onto the parents, since the parents themselves did not receive such an upbringing. Now, if we manage to bring up today's children, then afterward, having become parents, they will be able to pass this on to their own children within the family. But for now only we, the educators, can work with the children. One generation must receive a correct upbringing at school.

The educator at school should be a person who studies integral upbringing, as you call it?

Yes, because this integral upbringing presents what is happening in a simple and understandable form, and gives the means to understand Nature and to solve the contemporary problems of the person, the family, and society.

By studying the laws of Nature, a person goes through the whole process on himself and learns to understand the other.

That is true, but courses could be opened where, over the course of half a year or a year, specialists could be prepared to work with children of this age. And with the children we need to keep working until the end of school, until the army, and in universities too. A person must learn throughout his whole life the correct connection with those around him. I am certain that at some stage this will be taken up in workplaces as well. In fact, the process must continue throughout one's whole life. The mass media must take first place in this transformation of society. Several times a week there should be family programs on television, and they should be such that every family, including its grown and its little members, sees its own reflection.

A kind of home theater?

Yes, but not just theater, rather one organized so that people see and analyze relationships, study themselves through the examples shown. This could genuinely build the person. It seems to me absolutely necessary, otherwise humanity may descend to the animal level.

I want to return to the parents. Will some kind of courses for parents be opened in parallel with the school?

I place more hope in the mass media and in the revolution that must take place within them. They must pass from the hands of private owners into the charge of the state and society, and be used correctly. Today, instead of educating and building the person, they destroy him.

Yes, indeed, they bring a great deal of harm.

In fact this is a most powerful instrument, which draws people in, and therefore it can bring great benefit. I hope that we will be able to create series of programs for children — with the help of the children who take part in our circles — and for adults, with the help of specialists such as yourself, for example.

Yes, I am already beginning to consider how this could be realized. Psychodramatic methods really can be a powerful instrument, as can storytelling, which we use today in psychological practice. Only it must carry a new message.

I would like to return to the theme of upbringing in the family. Today we are faced with the fact that children already in adolescence grow distant from their parents, and the adults can do nothing about it.

This is all the same problem. After all, we live in a society made up of families and individual persons, and everyone is connected to one another. This must be explained to the child, and done in a natural way.

Explained to the parents too? For example, will parents who read our conversations be able to draw some practical advice for themselves for changes in the family, by starting to talk about this with the child?

With the child one must absolutely talk and explain to him.

Let us nevertheless try to give some concrete advice to parents: what can be done so that children do not grow distant from their parents already at the age of 9-12.

I used to take my children to museums. I took them to Canada for a whole month and there I led them through museums.

What did you want to show them?

The structure of the human being, the difference and the relationships between the sexes, childbirth — all of this is there, for example, in the natural history museum in Toronto.

And you spoke with the children completely freely?

Of course. I sat next to them when they watched films about how children come into the world, and I explained to them that this is Nature. I repeated that word all the time: Nature.

But surely you spoke with them not only about reproduction in ants.

Of course. Not only should one not hide from children everything connected with this topic, but on the contrary, one must talk and talk on a simple level, explaining all the while that it is natural. In this way we remove the greater part of the special interest in this topic and of the tension associated with concealing it. After all, it is precisely concealment that attracts, whereas reveal it — and the greatest problems will disappear. In addition, one needs to invite psychologists to explain all sorts of deviations. Children must know about this and be on their guard. In general, one should show, explain, and discuss everything as much as possible.

A purposeful revelation, accompanied by explanations. It seems to me that integral upbringing differs in its approach to this question from all other directions in psychology.

Because it is the closest of all to Nature.

Yes, but in psychology there is a consensus that at some stage the child must separate from the parents. Otherwise he will remain attached to them and will not attain independence. It is a natural process.

On the contrary, it is completely unnatural. Not to break the connection with the child, but on the contrary, to come down to his level in order to preserve the connection and remain a friend. And then there will be no problems at all. My mother is a gynecologist, and she always spoke with me completely openly.

Yes, but she spoke with you because she possessed knowledge on this subject.

No, I am speaking about a very young age. She understood that she needed to talk with me in order to remove the significance of this topic, to reduce it to the very simplest, most natural level.

You advise parents to maintain friendly relations with their children, but children are not very eager for this.

That is incorrect. If children feel that the parents are not "coming down" to them as if to little ones, but really speaking with them as equals, then they will seek such relations. Even today I speak with children on all topics, and they consult me on various questions, including intimate ones. And it is not only me — there are examples of such relations in families.

That is, there already are examples of such friendly relations between the generations that do not break off over time. And the secret here is respect and speaking as equals.

At this age we observe such a phenomenon as the forming of groups and the search for popularity with the opposite sex. For instance, if one of the boys is especially liked by the girls, then he becomes a leader among the boys.

The theme of leadership within the children's environment is very important. We must devote attention to this question and explain to the children that such qualities as envy, passion, the desire to dominate, to occupy a certain position, can be useful and harmful in equal measure. It is very important to give examples. For instance, it is useful, instead of a lesson, to show a film about hubris (pride) that ultimately leads to ruin and hatred. But the films must be accompanied by explanations, by debates. Talking about outside problems relieves the tension. This is unending work, since the person's ego is constantly growing. But if there is an understanding that the person was created within such a nature, and that it is not he himself who behaves this way but something inside him that pushes him, and if we teach the child such observation of himself from the side, then it will be easier for him to cope with all the manifestations of his nature.

At this age Nature especially "plays" with children. Take, for example, such a phenomenon as the "clown," who exists in every class. Children lean toward extreme forms of behavior, as if trying them out.

That is because they are trying to attract attention to themselves.

How should we relate to such phenomena?

This will not be a problem if we teach the child to understand himself. He will then see within himself the inner struggle of opposing forces, and he will enjoy recognizing this. In addition, if the children in the class also understand that such clowning stems from their comrade's desire to elicit a special attitude toward himself, then the "clown" himself will, as it were, be deprived of the meaning of such behavior, and it will disappear on its own.

It simply will not produce the desired effect.

Absolutely correct. Show the class's problems by watching a film — and then discuss the characters. See how well it was understood and how the atmosphere in the class changed regarding these problems. We must create in the class a small human society of this kind, one that studies itself, and as a result life becomes understandable and transparent for all its members. To create such a society is a serious pedagogical task.

This is very far from simple, since at this age the adolescent is naturally aimed only at himself. And also at behaving in defiance of adults.

Yes, but against this egocentrism there are other adolescents. In trying to combat the child's orientation only toward himself, we can appeal not only to him alone but also use the force of influence of the other children. It is precisely they who, by their attitude toward their comrade — accepting his good manifestations and rejecting the bad ones — must help him develop behavior that will take the interests of others into account.

You are proposing to use the force of the collective?

Yes, it is precisely this force that will compel him to change.

Does this not look too cruel toward the child?

No more so than what happens in society today. After all, today the children's society is the most cruel of all, and the children are not aware of it.

Moreover, the cruelty can reach extreme forms if adults do not intervene.

To reveal the inner nature of the person is the solution to all problems, for here we already see a person — a small one, but already a person with his own attitude toward society.

I would like to talk about the relationships between girls and boys. In previous conversations you said that, beginning at the age of three — that is, for practically 10 years — they do not see each other and are completely separated. And suddenly they meet…

No, we were speaking of what is desirable. But in the overwhelming majority of schools in all countries of the world there is no complete separation. We will not introduce anything that goes beyond what is generally accepted, but only what we will actually be able to carry out. Our upbringing will be clear and open. In resolving this question everything will depend on how the system develops, on how well the curricula, the teaching aids, and so on are prepared. Before society stands an enormous task that it will be obliged to solve, otherwise it will raise a generation that does not at all correspond to Nature, and therefore is constantly suffering…

Let us sum up. We have spoken about how to bring up a child so that he becomes a psychologist for himself, able to analyze his own behavior, to recognize the inner struggle of opposing forces within himself, and to derive pleasure from such revelation. This approach is extraordinarily important for the formation of a correct society as well. Such constant analysis forms in the child an inner maturity, despite his young age. We have spoken about the means for such an upbringing. These are films, frank conversations at school and at home on absolutely all topics concerning the nature of the human being. We hope that we will be able to create series of programs for family viewing, where both adults and children will be able to see, as in a mirror, their own relationships and problems, and this will help to solve problems within families.