The Right Approach to Choosing a Life Partner – Continued

In our previous talk, we reached the ages of 13-18 and stopped at the question of choosing a partner. As it turned out in our conversation, this topic is very multifaceted, deep, and affects one's entire subsequent life, largely determining all the problems that follow. That is why we discussed how, in adolescence, to lay the foundation for the right approach to choosing a life partner and to prevent problems in the future. It was an interesting conversation, and today we will continue it. At what age, in your opinion, can one begin to talk with teenagers about the essence of man and woman and about choosing a life partner?

I would like to ask you: at what age do they themselves begin to talk about this?

Until third grade, children don't want to hear about it, but starting from fourth grade and onward, that is, at around 10-11 years of age, interest between the groups of girls and boys already begins to appear.

In other words, the first hormonal surge occurs at the age of 10-11.

Yes. Suddenly, quite unexpectedly and inexplicably to themselves, the opposite sex begins to attract them. You compared this to "sniffing each other out." And indeed, that is exactly what it is. They begin to constantly seek the attention of the opposite sex. By the fifth or sixth grade, it is already very difficult to work in mixed classes, because the children are occupied only with one another all the time. It's enough, for example, for some girl to laugh, and for the whole lesson the boys will look for an excuse to make her laugh again; that is, there is a constant search for how to draw attention to oneself. This competition for attention is clearly noticeable. The question is whether one can already begin, at this age, to talk with them about the differences between the sexes, and if so, how?

The example you gave is absolutely accurate. In my view, mixed classes are harmful, especially at this age. They spoil the learning atmosphere and don't allow the children to concentrate. We place children in an environment that confuses them and gives them no chance to orient themselves properly. The children are afraid of losing themselves and are forced to "keep up a front." This creates such problems for a child that one can only feel sorry for him.

In your view, would separate schooling at this age be beneficial for children?

Without any doubt. They would gain some peace, at least during their studies. This is a very difficult age. After all, the child does not understand what is happening to him; it is as if he is hypnotized, and the influence of hormones, as we know, is one of the strongest. On top of that, he has to hide these impulses from others, to play some kind of role. In short, it is very difficult. And here, relying on the study of Nature, we are unequivocally against boys and girls being taught together in the same class. Imagine yourself at this age, with all the thoughts and urges characteristic of it, in what state of continuous rivalry they find themselves. And here we are talking about creating a connection, friendship, and integration between them. Imagine that you are in their state for many hours every day. Wouldn't you feel exhausted after such a school?

Absolutely.

Can one, after all this, speak of any quiet reading, calm, and daydreaming, without the pressure, confusion, and nervousness imposed by the external surroundings?

There is no inner peace. But still, they somehow have to communicate with each other…

Let them communicate, but without undue pressure, not during lessons and discussions. Let there be meetings, getting acquainted, clubs — but outside of school.

So you are proposing not to go against Nature, since it is completely natural that teenagers want to meet and communicate. You are proposing to separate them only at school, in order to give them the chance to study in a calm setting.

After all, you yourself said that when they are in the same class, there is practically no learning going on…

The tension associated with puberty is very strong. Already in the tenth grade, teenagers are much calmer; there is less of the maximalism in them. This could be expressed as a curved line that first rises and then gradually descends. The teenagers, as it were, get used to their more grown-up state.

So it turns out that over the course of four years — from fifth to ninth grade — they go through a difficult period in their lives. We stopped at the point that, while studying separately, children can meet outside of school.

Of course, we do not isolate them from the world or from the opposite sex, and we do not go to extremes. We want our children to be modern people, but to develop harmoniously and to build their relationships with one another correctly.

How would you explain to a 16-year-old boy and girl, briefly and clearly, the differences between a man and a woman?

What the differences are, they already know for themselves.

I mean the inner qualities.

One has to explain both the inner and the outer differences. I remember how, in the second year of university, our teacher…

Took you to a maternity ward so that you could see how childbirth takes place.

Yes. Besides that, he took us to the morgue, and to the psychiatric hospital, and to other "unconventional" places. To this day I remember how shaken we were by what we saw, young fellows of 18-19. After all, we had never before seen how corpses are dissected, how a newborn child is washed, and so on. I remember how I stood next to the woman in labor, worried for her, felt for her, how I wanted to help her somehow.

How many people, together with you, were present in the delivery room? Was she really giving birth in the presence of all the students?

Yes, and moreover there were only young men among us. It was a hard sight. We came out of there subdued, in a state of shock, and it did not let go of us for several days. And this despite the fact that my mother is a gynecologist and hid nothing from me — yet, nonetheless, what I saw shook me. Later he took girls on such excursions as well, but they, it seems to me, already looked at all of this with a different eye.

But couldn't that also frighten someone?

No, I think that such an impression allows a boy to gain a sense of responsibility. It was precisely from that moment that we, the students, began to look at woman with different eyes, for we had seen all her pain and suffering. Do not forget that in those days much was done without anesthesia.

This raised woman in your eyes.

Yes. And it awakened a sense of responsibility. I remember well that one such visit to the maternity ward simply produced an inner revolution in me. I matured instantly, becoming a man. That is why it seems to me that we must show children everything there is in life, explain it, and give them the chance to learn and to feel all its sides. Of course, all of this on the condition of proper preparation. Such an upbringing of young people is lacking now. We must not hide anything from them, including with regard to the sexes. Through our openness, we will remove the unhealthy interest in this topic. We need to explain that all of this is the play of hormones. They must know this in order to understand the changes taking place within themselves and in others, and to learn to manage them. There must be a clear understanding that when we are drawn to someone, it is a manifestation of the animal element within us. And since we differ from one another, each of us has his own attractions.

That is, each one chooses what is closer to him.

And on top of that, we still try to conceal our attractions from public view. But by choosing what is closer to us, we are only realizing a law of Nature — the law of "equivalence of qualities."

But today we see the opposite phenomenon, when everyone chooses what is considered beautiful in the eyes of society.

Today we look at the world through the prism of Hollywood standards, or those imposed on us by the local mass media. Where can one find the truth in this? After all, a young man, looking at a girl, does not see her herself, but searches in her for a resemblance to some famous actress or a picture from a magazine. What kind of a choice is that? We must return to our natural taste, and then we will not make mistakes.

Is it realistic — to return to natural taste?

It seems to me that it is possible, with the help of those same mass media, since they shape public opinion; let us try to return society to true values.

We spoke about the need to teach children to see themselves from the outside and to understand how susceptible they are to the influence of society…

They must be psychologists for themselves. For this, we must engage specialists who will teach them psychology and the study of themselves. This is absolutely necessary for every person, otherwise everyone will need a personal psychologist and the constant support of specialists, and this deprives a person of independence and confidence. Life is a process of self-knowledge.

But how does one explain more inner things to children? From the standpoint of the external approach, we can explain the changes in the sexes through the action of hormones. But how does one present the deeper differences between a man and a woman?

Only through global education and upbringing. We must show children that all of Nature and human society are global, that we are all connected to one another. At the foundation of Nature lies a single force that governs everything. We do not sense it, because we are not in equivalence of qualities with it. But we can sense it if we change our qualities and come to correspond to it. This is how all our sense organs work: we sense only what corresponds to our receptors and is perceived by them.

But where is the male and female part in this?

In Nature and in each of us, the forces of reception and bestowal are at work.

Attraction and repulsion?

Exactly. Each of us, and all of Nature as a whole, likewise consists of two parts. In still objects this manifests in the structure of their atoms and molecules and their compounds. On the vegetative level it begins to manifest more clearly in the processes of absorbing what is beneficial and expelling what is harmful. On the animate level, and all the more so on the human level, it manifests in behavior.

When you speak of two parts, do you mean the male and the female?

Yes, of course. But I am not speaking of the physical part of our body, but of our perception of the world.

It's interesting that there were quite a few studies on brain development in men and women, on the differences in the brain activity of girls and boys after the age of 13. In the 1990s there was a surge of such studies, but then they somehow disappeared…

There is a book by J. Gray, "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus."

Its author claims that we are completely different…

…and that we meet on planet Earth. It is a beautiful idea. First of all, we are not simply different, we are opposite to one another. Our oppositeness is absolute; we cannot understand each other, we are alien and distant from one another. Look at teenagers before the hormonal attraction arises in them: boys and girls simply don't notice each other. And the hormonal attraction does not unite us, because it develops solely to satisfy that need.

There is no hope of unity… But what about the idea of universal integration in the global world? You do claim, after all, that this is the goal of Nature — to bring civilization to a likeness of itself.

Yes, there is something that can unite us — it is the movement toward our common root, toward the force that created us opposite to one another. On the other hand, for the continuation of life, for existence and fulfillment, we are compelled to be together. But the contradictions come to the surface and divide us. However, if we understand that this division was created by Nature purposefully, and that we are opposite but at the same time mutually complement each other, then we will begin to search not for that in which we are similar, but for that in which we complement each other — and this is the key to success.

Is the complement an inner force of Nature or a partner?

I search for what complements me, I have a need — my partner complements it, and vice versa. But a "need" is not something that I lack, but precisely a search for complement. That is, I desire to feel the need, because it leads me to unity.

So it is not a matter of something that I lack?

No, of course not. No one has more than another. Each of us is only a "half," and it is a matter of the correct complementing of each other and the attainment of wholeness, similar to the higher, eternal, perfect Nature. Only on the condition that a man and a woman want to unite in order to reveal perfection between them, only then do they reveal that perfection. Our division and the necessity of living together are given to us by Nature not by chance. We were created this way precisely in order to learn to unite correctly. The present generation is a transitional one in attaining this harmony. Then the crisis in family relationships will be resolved as well.

Are we on the path to resolving this crisis?

That will depend on people's readiness to hear us. We will come to a moment when people see that on their own, without a likeness to Nature, they cannot unite correctly among themselves. And without this, neither family life nor the future of the human being will be possible.

What must be done in order to call forth this Upper force?

A person must know that in doing so he acquires, within this world, a sensation of full and absolute filling and perfection. Every pleasure that exists in this world, including the sexual, is intensified many times over. It may seem to us that if a third force uniting a man and a woman appears in their relationship, it pushes them apart — but it is precisely the opposite. If we join to the marital relationship the fundamental force of Nature, its basic quality of bestowal and love, then there suddenly opens up within us the possibility of such an inner union among us all that we, unexpectedly to ourselves, fill each other boundlessly and rise to a completely different level, a higher one, situated above our animal existence.

Perhaps we could give a few practical pieces of advice? For example, how important is being accommodating in the relationship within a couple?

No, that does not work. The relationship must be built on a completely different foundation. There is no place here for petty calculations. There must be a full understanding that together we call forth our union through the maternal force of Nature. This is precisely what is essential. We exist only in order to reveal within ourselves this global, integral force of Nature, to become similar to it, like all its other levels — the still, the vegetative, the animate. Only they are in balance with Nature and in likeness to it unconsciously. They were created this way, not in freedom of will, whereas a human being must realize that he was created opposite to Nature and must himself attain a likeness to it. We can do this only together — and this is our sole acquisition and the meaning of our life together, of bearing children, and of human life in general. We were created for this.

So you are saying that there must be a higher goal than merely personal comfort and pleasure?

Of course, this is the goal of life. And it is precisely this that will hold the family together.

Can this force of Nature be called Love?

Love is that state in which people, in union, begin to sense and fill one another.

But first one person must learn to sense the other.

And to step out of sensing only oneself. On his part, a manifestation of desire is needed, and by this he will call forth that hidden force of Nature that will give him the strength to love everyone. It will also hold the family together. Love is mutual filling, when each one fills the other and cares only about this. It is as if the person is located not within himself, but in the other.

Perhaps it is precisely for this reason that there will be more being accommodating?

No, that is not what this is about at all. Being accommodating is a concept from our egoistic vocabulary. But in spirituality there is no need to concede, because all desires, attainments, and sensations are shared; there is no division into "mine" and "yours," but there is a common sensation.

Does this approach provide for some filling for me myself? It turns out that I fill someone, and he fills me. Is this my satisfaction?

We can never arrive at full satisfaction and filling if we do it for ourselves. All our problems in life come from the fact that we mistakenly think that by grabbing something for ourselves, we can be filled by it. This will never happen; it will happen only if we learn to fill others and to be filled by them. This is similar to the connection of the cells of a living body — each one does its work of sustaining the life of the whole body, fills it, and therefore receives everything it needs from the others.

Let us sum up. We spoke about a topic that is of very great importance both for teenagers and for adults — about preparation for family life and about love. Since the period of puberty is characterized by strong hormonal influences, at this stage it is very important to explain to teenagers what is happening to them and how this hormonal storm affects their behavior and worldview. Then it is very important to deepen the explanation, that only through connection with the general force of Nature, whose very essence is bestowal and love, can a harmonious union between people be attained. The very existence of different sexes and our striving toward one another is intended solely so that each may complete himself, since we are the opposite halves of that single whole toward which we strive. This union can be brought about by the very same Nature that deliberately divided us. In the union of two opposites, something higher is born than each one separately.