Types of Fear

Today we are going to talk about different types of fear, find out where they are rooted, and what their essence is. I would like to begin our conversation by discussing a question that troubles many parents. Why are children afraid of the dark?

And are you not afraid of the dark yourself?

Well, not the way my son is.

That cannot be. There is no person who is not afraid of the dark. The question is what kind of darkness it is. In our previous conversation we spoke about how fear lies at the foundation of our inner qualities, and how we must not destroy it, but rise above it. Fear turns into awe: awe before this world, awe before the future world. So the fear of darkness is the basic type of fear, the very first one.

Why is precisely this type of fear the basic one? What is it about darkness?

Because darkness is the creation itself.

The creation is darkness?

Yes, the creation is darkness. It is said: "I am light and I create darkness." And it is precisely this that frightens us. That is, on the subconscious level a fear of finding ourselves outside of something is hidden within us. It is like a child who cannot move away from his mother. The older he grows, the more capable he is of distancing himself from her. But at first he wants to be as close to her as possible — after all, at the very beginning he is even inside the mother, in the mother's womb.

And the same thing happens with us. Therefore the fear of darkness essentially means the fear of the absence of light, of the unknown. And I will be able to cope with this only on the condition that, from within this darkness, I develop a sensation, an understanding, a revelation of the darkness.

From this we must understand that darkness is very important, that it is necessary, that we must not erase it, because otherwise we will not want to come out of it and move toward the light — the light of fulfillment, of reason. For darkness is the reverse side of light and draws us toward the light.

Consequently, darkness for me will no longer be the absence of things, but the lack of something greater; I will feel darkness not from ordinary life, from corporeal existence, from a lack of money, fame, or even knowledge, but from the absence of spiritual acquisitions. For darkness is the loss of something. So if it is going to be dark for me, then let this sensation arise because of some lofty things!

A child is afraid of the dark. On the basis of your explanation, how can we teach his parents to cope with this?

From this we can arrive at the following conclusion: first of all, darkness is good, and it is good that the child is afraid of it. Picture such a scene: a small child goes out of the house at night and calmly strolls about everywhere. It is better that he be afraid. That is, everything depends on how you use it. If he is afraid of the dark, that is good.

The question is how we should relate to these fears of his so that he will want to develop correctly. This means we need to teach him according to his age, that is, to explain that there is nothing frightening about darkness — to the extent that this can help, since we ourselves are afraid of it. If I am in a dark and unfamiliar place, that is very frightening! And it cannot be that a person would feel good in such a situation.

When I get up at night and then return to bed, then, even without opening my eyes, I know how I need to walk. And then I am not afraid to be in the dark. I do not even turn on the light. After all, the place is familiar to me! And this means that the fear arises in me not because of the darkness, but because of the unfamiliar place. That is precisely the problem. And if the place is unfamiliar to the child, let him get to know it!

What should he get to know?

He must know what stands behind this darkness! He must understand that darkness only pushes him forward so that he will learn what it is. And then darkness will cease to be darkness. And again I repeat: when I get up at night, I know what surrounds me, what is in my bedroom. And so I have no problems at all, I do not feel that this is darkness, I do not even turn on the light. Why? Because it does not bother me. I know! And this knowledge fills the place of darkness for me. And the same thing should apply to everything we encounter in life.

So, then, what is it that the child should know? After all, he plays in his room, he knows it. But when night comes and he needs to go to sleep, he runs to his mom and dad and wants to sleep with them.

Turn on the light there again and again, explain again and again. Only by way of explanation.

Perhaps sleep with the light on in the room?

A little light is possible, it will not hurt.

But not remove the darkness completely?

No, no! He should not try to cope with his fears on his own. Either we help him by giving him knowledge, or we help him in some other way. But to leave him to overcome his fear by himself — that is bad. It means that we are not giving him a solution.

I want to talk about the fear of failure. With adults everything is clear, but when a three-year-old child is afraid that something will not work out for him — that is not clear to me. How can this be explained?

From the age of three a child begins to feel the need for the support of the environment. Before that, children do not feel at all that they are in society. From this age the child already knows who is his friend and who is not, whom he plays with, whom he is together with, and so on. A sensation of the environment already arises in him. Therefore all the fears that arise in children from the age of three and up can be resolved with the help of the environment. One only needs to know how to do it. Let us take, for example, that same fear of darkness. Let his friends first go into the dark room, let him go in together with them. Let them start running around there, jumping, "going wild." This will destroy their fear of the dark.

I am involved in preparing games for children. What method would you advise me to use so that I can help a child overcome the fear of failure?

That is a different type of fear. And here one needs to check what it arises from: from low self-esteem, from the appraisal of the environment, or from the appraisal of the parents. Or perhaps the child is afraid of losing a prize? Then it is not simply the fear of suffering a failure. For the fear of failure itself is something generalized; it is what underlies his being able to lose something, to fail to achieve success. And then this fear turns into other types of fear.

For failure in a game is a cause, and the consequence may be quite remote. Let us say: "When we go to grandmother's in the summer, and she finds out that somewhere, at some time, something did not work out for me, I will be embarrassed about it." A child is capable of imagining a whole chain of such consequences, and this can break him.

How, after all, can we help a child overcome the fear of comparing himself with others? What will mom, dad, and friends say if I turn out to be worse than someone?

That does not happen at the age you are speaking about. And certainly not at three years old. Here there is already rivalry, a struggle for leadership.

That is already in elementary school.

It begins from the age of five. Children find out who is stronger, who has greater influence among their peers. And here one already needs to work within this environment. We must understand that a person is a part of society, and you cannot extract him from there and deal with him separately. This principle is the source of successes or failures in the upbringing process. We bring a child to a psychologist, pay money, get 20 sessions, and that is where it all ends. It brings no benefit; it is rather help for the parents, not for the children. They think that they have given their child everything possible, that from the sessions with the psychologist they have understood what his problem is. But the child has remained in the very same state.

We do not understand that for children the environment is everything. Their fears, their dread, their success or, on the contrary, defiant behavior in spite of everyone when nothing works out for them — all of this depends on the environment. Therefore bringing a child to a psychologist alone, without the whole class, is wrong.

So this should be work in a group?

I think that a psychologist should be attached to every class — one who understands the children, knows them, is acquainted with their parents, plays with them, takes part in their quarrels and fights — who becomes like them. He is obligated to be like them, for he is a professional psychologist! He is obligated to become their friend; they must not feel that he is above them. That is, he is just the same as they are, equal with everyone. In fact, this should be a professional. But without such work we will not be able to raise the next generation correctly.

Not long ago a report appeared in the press about a child who staged his own kidnapping only because he wanted to avoid an exam that he was very afraid of. How can we explain to him what happened to him?

It might have been much easier to pass that exam than to invent all these tricks, to torment and suffer, fearing that everything would be uncovered. But such things happen because we do not teach them to relate correctly to various life situations. We do not help them at all to analyze and give a correct appraisal to all the events happening to us. So you failed an exam. What is so terrible about that? So you will not become a top student, and people will think badly of you. Or even suppose he stole something — so what? Of course, one pays a fine for this, and someone might even sit in prison, but the world does not come to an end because of it!

Any person is capable of stealing. Let us place a billion before one person, a million before another, and a hundred rubles before a third. It is perfectly obvious that everyone has his own limit, but if something exceeds it, the person will definitely steal. One needs to explain all these things to a child.

For a person is not told about his nature, and he thinks that such a thing happens only to him and not to others. He does not understand that he is one of many, that with everyone everything is the same. It is not clear to him how others behave. He thinks that those he respects are heavenly angels.

And the same thing happens in the relationships between boys and girls during adolescence. They know absolutely nothing about the behavior of the opposite sex, and therefore later on they encounter enormous difficulties in communication. Each one plays such "games" that it distorts the perception of the opposite sex and provokes improper behavior on its part.

In short, we do not engage in psychological work in the classroom. Yet every class needs its own attached psychologist. And this should be a real professional who knows that a human being must be built out of every child. And until this happens, we will achieve nothing. I think that this is far more important than all their studies and all these exams.

So, you have given every parent a method for how to talk with a child. It is necessary to explain that this is his nature and the nature of everyone else, that it is not terrible that he acted this way. And what next? After all, this matter still needs to be dealt with somehow! After all, it is bad that he stole! Or is that enough?

It is enough. There is no punishment. The main thing is that he understand. He needs to be told: "You behaved this way because of your nature. Let us figure out together why we have such a nature, why you were born with such qualities, whether this is inherent in others, what nature demands of us, how we should conduct ourselves with this."

And what is it that nature will demand of us?

Obviously, since such qualities are embedded in us, they must lead us to something. There is nothing bad in a human being. And as for such inclinations, then perhaps if I overcome them, I will attain something good. "Let us see what I will gain if I do not steal, if I do not fight, if I unite with others. Let us figure out why my bad qualities exist within me in exactly such a way that I constantly have to overcome them. What do I gain from this?" We must explain this, and at the same time provide the support of the environment.

That is, what do I gain by overcoming these qualities?

Yes, of course. After all, we adults do not fight with one another or insult one another for no reason, because we understand that this way it is calmer for us to live. I certainly do not want to be afraid all the time that someone will hit me from behind with a stick, do I? I simply know that all of us are more or less interested in building a comfortable environment for ourselves — as far as we are capable of it. And if we raise our children correctly, they will build a much better society for themselves.

Nowadays in many families there is a tendency not to talk about fear at all. Parents suppose that thanks to this they will be able to drive the fears out of the child. Is there at least some logic in this, or is it completely wrong?

I think that this whole approach is wrong. First of all, we must build a correct system. It is necessary for adults to know how to work correctly with children — and not simply with children, but with groups of children. For it is not by chance that our world is an integral, global world, a "small village" in which all of us are connected with one another.

We need to work not with one child, but with all the children and their parents, with the entire environment in which he is situated. We must deal with everyone together. Why "drive out" certain things? Let us, at the end of each day, arrange a discussion — and each time someone else takes on the role of the judges.

Let us say we have 30 students in the class, who study five days a week. So let a new group of five children be the judges each day. They will report to us about what happened in the class during the day. For example, the last lesson will be such a court, and these five children will judge the rest. Let us see what they saw, how they will speak, why what happened happened, and so on. The conclusions they draw for the day will be heard by everyone, and everyone will be able to express their opinion: whether they agree or not.

From the standpoint of the class?

Yes. And then they will be able to judge themselves. And that is how they will change — five different ones each day.

What will we achieve by this?

First of all, we will be able to analyze, check, and clarify. And the psychologist who is among them must help them, orient them as to how to see all of this correctly. And at the end of each such court they will be able to write for themselves a kind of book of laws — their own, for the class.

Something like a charter?

A charter, a "constitution," according to which they will now conduct themselves. And then the child begins to see that in doing so he is building himself and his environment. And when they all grow up, they will want to create a society based on the laws of correct communication. The only question is how to realize them. The science of the higher laws of Nature can tell us a great deal, but unfortunately, humanity has evidently not yet suffered enough to want to bring this about.

We spoke about work in the class. Can the same thing be done in the family? That is, gather with the children at the end of the day and sum up the day?

Even in a family this is possible, if there are several children in it.

The day is over, and for the next day we establish some laws.

Only in doing so the parents must come down to the level of the children.

What does that mean? That I too take part in this?

Of course you take part! Just the same as the little girl, your daughter. And your husband too.

And both of them can break the law?

Yes, of course. All of us take part in this, having come down to the level of the children.

And should we talk with them as with children or as if with adults?

As with everyone. — Everyone can make mistakes, everyone can be afraid of something.

Let us say, mom tells them that today she could not resist and ate a pastry, broke her diet, and it is still unpleasant to her. So how can she rid herself of this feeling? Perhaps the children will advise her about something. This is not a game at all. There is a great depth embedded within it: how a person can cope with certain problems, whether he should engage in self-flagellation, how he can calm himself and become strong tomorrow. From this one can draw great conclusions.

So, today we have touched on many topics. We spoke about the fear of darkness and came to the conclusion that being afraid of the dark is good, that a child should be told about what surrounds him. The more he gets to know reality, beginning from his own bedroom and onward, the less he will be afraid. Moreover, one must not leave a child alone with his fears, forcing him to struggle with them by himself. On the contrary — one must come to his aid. And if we want to find a way to overcome his fears, then he should enter a dark room with a group of children, and together they will be able to master this fear.

We also spoke about the fear of failure, about how, roughly from the age of three, a child begins to feel the absence or presence of the support of the environment, senses the environment's attitude toward himself. And before that he does not feel the environment at all. Therefore, beginning from the age of three and onward, one can begin to explain to the child that he is a part of society.

When a child commits both bad and good deeds, all of this manifests as part of his nature. "You just did something bad — it is not terrible, it is not bad, such is your nature, this happens with others too. You must understand this, not worry and not run away from it." Together with him we discuss this and understand that it is normal. And such a discussion itself replaces punishment; there is no longer any need for punishment.

And at the end we spoke about how a psychologist should be attached to every class, one who will help organize the court and the discussion of the group. The same kind of court can also be arranged at home, and one can discuss what happened during the day, draw conclusions for tomorrow, together write rules so as not to repeat tomorrow the mistakes that were perhaps made today, so as to be able to cope correctly with various problems. Mom too can make a mistake, and the teacher too can make a mistake — that is normal. The main thing is that all of this be directed toward the development of each person.