The Onset of Puberty

I would like to begin with the age of 9 to 12. Today puberty begins about two years earlier — between 9 and 12 — since already at this age we see physiological changes in girls, and later in boys. In behavior it can appear even earlier, but in the physical sense puberty today begins at 10 to 12 years of age. Following the physiological changes, the behavior of adolescents changes as well. Alongside rapid growth come irritability, distancing from parents, and drawing closer to peers. It is precisely in the fifth and sixth grades that groups form, friends become the most important thing for the adolescent, and the authority of parents visibly declines. If, as we discussed in previous talks, development must correspond to the laws of Nature, then why does such a storm necessarily occur at this age? Why can we not pass through it calmly, gradually, without explosions?

Various forces act within us, issuing from the governance and control of Nature, and we grow accordingly. In different periods of life the action of these forces differs. We distinguish the ages of 3 to 6, 6 to 9, 9 to 13, and 13 to 20 years. The transition from one age to another can be very abrupt, sometimes literally within a single day, though we do not recognize that day. But it is impossible to avoid.

Something happens in the child's perception, and everything changes.

It may be that the adolescent himself cannot cope with himself, and we demand of him things that contradict his nature. We must come to know Nature better and follow it together with him.

What actions on the part of adults can help one pass through this age successfully?

Understanding, conversations, a friendly disposition, an explanation of the life of society. I grew up in a family of doctors. My mother was a gynecologist, my father a dentist, and all the relatives were doctors too. So I knew a great deal and read books. In spite of this, visiting the morgue, the delivery room, and the operating room during my university years — and this is precisely how my studies began — put not only my fellow students but me too into a state of shock. Why not show this to children at an earlier age? Why not talk about it, why not invite children to explore this life and everything it consists of? This includes the relationships between a man and a woman, the birth of a child, and the different ages in a person's life. One can show films about the behavior of children, adults, and even animals, explaining the reasons why they act as they do.

A kind of science of life.

One can film their own behavior on camera and then watch it together. Imagine if we showed a child how he behaved yesterday!

The children would not like that at all…

But it would be a form of learning for which there is no substitute.

You are proposing to study life through observation?

We spend an enormous amount of energy and resources on children. They study in school for 10 to 12 years, but because we cannot provide an individual approach and do not teach them about life, all of this turns out to be ineffective. They come out of school empty — as if they had wasted their time. They picked up something, but in reality the knowledge required for a modern school-leaving certificate could be acquired in a couple of years.

The children themselves say that they see no connection between what they study in school and real life. At this age they state this quite clearly.

We must understand that our life depends on self-knowledge: on how much a person studies himself, examines himself, understands his own qualities and the reasons for his actions. My success in life depends on knowing why and for what purpose I act, on being able to evaluate myself objectively, to take into account how my actions are perceived by other people, and to relate critically to my perception of other people. A profession is far less important. The entire school-leaving certificate and university education are in fact not so important. What matters is to build a human being — and this is precisely what is not being done today.

It is interesting that one can learn about life through observation everywhere: in school and in the family. But only on the condition that the parents know how to do it. And that means that, first of all, the parents need to be brought up.

We are lagging in this by several millennia, so at some point we have to begin.

So then, at the age of 9 to 11, children should already know what changes will take place in them?

In accordance with the children's age, it is necessary to discuss all phenomena with them openly and freely. Naturally, at the level at which they are able to understand. Everything natural that pertains to our nature, including our impulses and drives, must be discussed.

Including sexuality and the differences between the sexes?

Of course. It will be much better if we speak about everything directly and openly, explaining to children the causes and consequences of the phenomena taking place, and the various forms of behavior. After all, it is well known that the forbidden fruit is sweet. That is why it is worth showing children more of what we know about what is happening to them. For it seems to them that they have their own world, while the adults live in a different world and developed differently. But if we speak with them about everything openly and show our attitude, then in doing so we establish a connection between the generations.

This greatly strengthens the bonds. As I listen now, I vividly picture how an adolescent and his parents — who today seem to him an "outdated fashion" from the sixties — begin to find a common language. I remember how it affected me when my father spoke with me about this. Usually men are embarrassed to talk about such topics. Much has been written in psychology about the importance of such conversations. But men simply do not know how to talk.

As a father, I always tried to be open with my children. We are completely open and can talk about any subject.

In sex education, should both girls and boys know everything?

Yes, everyone should know everything in accordance with their age. We must approach this question correctly, in a measured way, concealing nothing. On the contrary, the more adolescents know and the more they become psychologists to themselves along with this knowledge, the greater the chances that they will develop a balanced attitude toward this aspect of life and that no deviations will develop.

They will not seek information from outside, nor seek out deviations. And what should the approach to all sorts of deviations be, if they exist? An adolescent aged 10 to 12 sees everything on the Internet.

There is nothing terrible in his knowing about it. One should not be embarrassed by these topics or conceal them. Children should know that all of this is natural, and that such inclinations exist in everyone. They were created deliberately by Nature so that a person would learn to cope with them and use them correctly.

To be able to set limits?

Yes, a person must set limits for himself. This will allow him to free his thoughts and inner forces for other things. Without this understanding, they will be occupied with a single topic and immersed in their sensations for several years.

A kind of rose-colored glasses.

They simply cannot free themselves from it. In today's generation these impulses are so strong that they overshadow everything else. But if we give them the ability to balance these thoughts by means of psychology, this will allow them to free up part of their time and inner forces for something else.

On the Internet this topic is full of perversions…

There is nothing at all to say about the Internet. In my view, if someone wants to profit from the natural interest of children, then it should simply be forbidden. We must be open; all the information should be available to children, but properly measured out and directed toward harmonious development. This should become our concern. Then we will not appear as prudes closing off a difficult topic.

The approach should be such that we do not make a big problem out of these questions but treat them naturally. At this age the child discovers new sensations for himself. And this can lead to great confusion.

We must prepare him, explaining that such sensations exist in everyone.

This is very reassuring. And it is also important that one can talk about it. As I understood, you even recommend talking about it in school?

To talk everywhere and openly. This immediately reduces the allure of these things for children, for it is precisely the forbidden fruit that is sweet. Through our openness we will reduce their significance and not allow all sorts of fantasies to develop.

The need to search for information falls away if one can simply open a book or talk. Beyond all else, this also gives the child the feeling that he is understood. For it is precisely this topic that occupies him now. He cannot distance himself and not think about it, and it is precisely the topic that interests him that is discussed at school as well.

What do psychologists offer today?

This is a very difficult topic for psychologists. There are various programs. It is precisely at the age of the fifth and sixth grades that a sexual interest appears in children, even if only on the level of friendship. Well, I was told right away that the teachers cannot talk about these topics and that I would have to conduct the lessons myself. And so I did. And there were very interesting conversations with the children. But since I was a stranger to them, and it was not possible to continue the conversations with their teacher, there was no continuation. The conversations were held separately with the boys and the girls, and indeed I saw that the conversations turned out to be different.

Separately with boys and girls?

Yes, it seemed to me that in the presence of boys the girls would not be able to ask the questions that interested them, including questions about boys, and I wanted to give them that opportunity. And the same for the boys. The children asked questions to which they could perfectly well have found answers in a book or from their teacher, had she been prepared for it. Or from a male teacher, in the case of the boys. This is very important. A woman cannot answer all the questions concerning a man's sensations or a man's view of relationships. I can only imagine, but that is not the same thing. The atmosphere during these conversations was very good, and the children liked it. But the teachers are not ready for such conversations; they perceive it as a kind of intrusion into the sphere of the personal. And it is not easy for parents either to talk with their children about these topics; they are uncertain about how much to say and how.

That is not surprising, since they themselves did not receive such an upbringing.

But the approach must be based on maximum openness. — Openness and early upbringing. If some inclinations and impulses appear in a person, then we are immediately obliged to balance them by showing the correct approach. For it is impossible either to root them out or to distance oneself from them. A true educator must go together with the child and teach him how to cope with this correctly.

You once said that it is useful to arrange games in which children can act out the behavior of the opposite sex.

Yes. After all, we are talking about an open society. Everything that exists in society should be open to discussion. We must explain and give examples, and not virtually — say, through television programs — but in a living form.

If you had the opportunity to take part in composing an educational program on sex education, what would its principles be, besides openness?

At the initial stage one should speak with boys and girls separately: a man with the boys, a woman with the girls. Later, a man and a woman together should speak separately with the boys, and then with the girls. After that one can mix the groups and the instructors.

After the children have already grown a little closer to the educators?

Yes. But everything must take place in a delicate, natural form. We must raise children from the "animal" level to the "human" one. Since our instincts belong to the animal degree, our task is to teach children to look at themselves from above. They must understand their nature, their instincts and drives, how much importance and time to give them, how to relate to them, and what to give preference to. Right now this occupies me greatly, but is this what I live for? We need to give them as much time and opportunity as possible to talk about it among themselves. Let them talk even for two hours!

They will talk all day long!

No, no, it will all end sooner than you think. If the discussion is free and unrestricted by anything, they will calm down very quickly, the hormones will recede, and room will be freed in their heads for other things.

You want to evoke a sense of control over the feelings, a certain calming, when these thoughts recede into the background?

Why not? Today we give no outlet to these things. Forgive the comparison, but it is like the sewer system: if there is a blockage, the contents rise upward until they burst through somewhere.

And this can reach an extreme degree of aggression and violence.

Because they do not know how to express it.

Recently we have been hearing about horrific cases of violence. Yes, the sexual drive may manifest in rapes, or groups form, made up of boys or girls, who set themselves against one another. As a result, the desire for connection takes on a strange form.

Because no program has been instilled for how to relate correctly to the desires that arise, how to balance and use them. On the one hand, they are led by a lack of knowledge, and on the other, by negative examples far removed from life, taken from films, and by all sorts of morbid fantasies. I simply see how young people copy these Hollywood examples in their behavior and thinking. A person ceases to be a person and simply becomes a copy of the heroes of these films.

One more phenomenon is characteristic of this age: the division into "our own" and the rejected. This too is a kind of aspect of the desire for connection, but it takes on such a harsh form. Some children simply become outsiders.

I have an explanation for this phenomenon, but I would like to hear the view of psychology. After all, you have accumulated enormous practical experience working with children, both in school and in private practice. How do you explain that today, living in a developed society that is considered advanced and understanding, we still cannot cope with such problems? Why is it that the ministry of education, the parents, and all the other organizations dealing with youth, including the army, cannot carry out such a simple action?

What is this action called?

The creation of a human being.

For this a revolution in the sphere of upbringing is needed. It is impossible to take what exists today and put new principles onto it. Most people do not go voluntarily into any serious changes, but only when they are no longer able to remain in the accustomed course. That is why in the educational system they try to preserve the former framework, even though nothing good comes of it.

I would advise preparing instructors who will simply talk with children. Nothing else. Let them talk about any topic, but engage the class in such a way that the children feel themselves to be a single organism. These people must be professionals to such a degree that they can see the relationships among the children and know how to direct and correct them by means of these conversations. A specialist's keen eye can prevent many problems in just one lesson a day.

Is an hour a day enough?

Yes. We cannot demand this of subject teachers.

They are not trained for it.

Unfortunately not. But it is possible to prepare people specifically for such work. We will get results immediately, literally within a few months.

We will talk about this in the following conversations. Today we spoke about how, at the age of 9 to 13, it is very important for a child to find understanding among adults. That is why he must have the opportunity to talk about everything openly. Two proposals were made that complement each other. One: to show and explain to the child the stages of life that a person passes through from birth to death. This can be done both at home and in school, naturally, in accordance with age. And since during this period sexual drives appear in children, it is important to speak openly about this topic, concealing nothing, for what we conceal arouses heightened interest and occupies children's thoughts all the more. We spoke about how to do this in school and at home, and ended the conversation with a practical proposal: to begin preparing specialists for conversations with children on the topics that interest and trouble them. This, in our view, will allow children to be less preoccupied with their drives and to free up energy for other interests.